Door to Door Religion

I have nothing against any religion, and I feel sorry for religions that have their names tarnished by misguided individuals who perpetrate atrocities in their name.

However I do object to religions being touted on doorsteps, so this morning I was less than pleased when 2 Jehovah's Witnesses arrived at my door. To their credit these people had travelled a long way (35km) to introduce themselves to the British in our village, the grand total of 8 adults, and half of them being in this house hold. How did these people get my address?

Beware, they know who and where you are.

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Dealing with a JW, here is a list of things to ask them.

Every time they say "God," or the ever-popular "Jehovah-God" say "..or Goddess."

Go to the Sunday "Public Meeting" at your local Kingdom Hall to share the good news of your religion with them.

Ask them if they think Jesus' feelings might be hurt when no-one partakes of the wine and bread at his memorial dinner.

Attend the yearly "Memorial" of the Last Supper and actually drink the wine.

Tell them you know they mean well, but you believe in a God "of love and forgiveness."

Wear the national flag and start talking about how you're "proud to be English, a Scot" (or whichever country).

Ask them what day the sun was created, since it is at once the source of light, the marker of days, the sun, and a star.

Ask them how the "fruits of the spirit" are manifested by current news items regarding JWs (take your pick: protecting paedophiles, exJWs who go postal after being disfellowshipped and shunned, JW murderers and rapists, etc. Check the JW News page for the latest.)

Ask them how proud they are that some ultra-right political Christians now share their views on Halloween.

Ask them who Cain married.

Remark that the rapid blinking of the "new light" might be a health hazard to epileptics.

Ask them why the Watch Tower Society is based in New York rather than in any holy city of the bible.

Ask them about the reasons for the recent "corporate restructuring" of the Watch Tower Society.

Ask them who owns their Kingdom Hall.

Ask them to sit quietly and concentrate on their breathing.

Ask them if independent thinking is still "against their religion." That is actually a prohibition of the group? "Awake!" indeed!

When they ask, "Can I talk to you about God?" Reply, "Sure, what would you like to know?"

Ask them for their address. When they ask why you want it, claim that you want to appear on their doorstop uninvited so that you can peddle your own beliefs.

For males only: While you're talking with them, start putting on lipstick... and remark that you have a hot date.

Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?"

Tell them you already have your own religion. When they ask what it is, wince a little before confessing, "er, I'm not sure if it's legal in this country."

A chalk outline of a human body on the pavement, and a few copies of "The Watchtower" scattered around...

Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the forty-two children.

Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their loving-kindness and patience last.

Say, "I'm sorry, could you come back in a half hour? We're not done with the virgin yet."

Pick an oft-repeated word in the "approved lexicon" and giggle or say "beep" whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones.